The Answering Machine Series
by Anubis-Shinigami
Summary: Have you ever wondered what would happen if people in Rurouni Kenshin had answering machines? Well you're in luck, because so far I have Aoshi's, Sanosuke's, and Kenshin's answering machine messages. I have yet to track down Saitou's and Shishio's.
1. Aoshi

**Author's Note:** Ok how's this fic idea for random?? I'm not sure how many of these answering machine series I plan to have but I'm starting with my best friend's favorite character -- Aoshi. Would that guy even have a phone if it was invented? Oh, well. It's just a thought. I'm making one with Kenshin next. Hope you all enjoy. ^_^

**Disclaimers:** It is 2004 now and . . .I still don't own Rurouni Kenshin . . . *sigh*

Chapter 1: Aoshi

*BEEP*  . . .Why did you have to call today, of all days? I'm probably testing the sharpness of my kodachis. I'll get back to you when I feel like it . . .depending on how successful I am at catching my dinner. . .  *BEEP*

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*BEEP* AOSHI-SAMAAAAA!! THIS IS MISAO!!! That's all I wanted to say. *BEEP*

*BEEP* Aoshi! This is Okina. You'll be getting my medical bill and a thrashing as soon as I can get out of this bed . . . *BEEP*

*BEEP*Hello, this is Kenshin. Aoshi? Could you please not fight against us? How would you like to team up with us instead? I would be very grateful if you did team up with us, that I would be. ^_^x *BEEP*

*BEEP* Leader, there is this psycho with a machine gun who says he knows you. I'd be grateful if you could get back to me. Thanks, Hanya. *BEEP*

*BEEP*  Aoshi-sama!! This is Omasu – how about you drag your sorry ass home for dinner!! You're not going to catch anything out there with those kodachis of yours!! Don't worry, Kuro is not cooking dinner.*BEEP*

*BEEP* Aoshi-sama? This is Kuro. Not to be nosy or anything but I was just wondering why you have a book on flower arranging in your drawer . . .not that I looked out of curiosity or anything . . .*BEEP*

*BEEP* Hello!! This is Soujiro!! How about that! That rhymes!! I was just calling to say that it is a beautiful sunny day! And I was also wondering if you have decided whether or not you will be joining Mr. Shishio and me in our quest to conquer Japan! I look forward to your reply! *BEEP*

*BEEP* Leader, this is Hanya again. I really wish you could hurry up and get here faster. This gun-crazy idiot seems to enjoy shooting at everything that moves.*BEEP*

*BEEP* AOSHI-SAMA!! This is Misao!! I have a surprise for you at home!! Don't worry I did not bake anything . . .*BEEP*

*BEEP*Aoshi-sama? This is Okon. Could you please stop by a store on your way home? Okina drank all the green tea again  . . . *BEEP*

*BEEP*Leader, this is Shikijou. Some rooster-head punk has just jetted off with the annoying fox (Megumi). Honestly, I don't know why he would pick HER of all people. I'm sure he could have found someone better and less annoying – wait is this thing still recording?! *BEEP*

*BEEP* Who's yo' DADDY?!  . . . No seriously, I was wondering. Kaoru tells me of some kind of icicle – asexual thing. But I'm still skeptical . . .This is Sanosuke by the way.*BEEP*

*BEEP* JACKASS!! This is prank phone call by Yahiko Miyojin!! Oh crap, I just told you my name didn't I? *in the background* Yahiko are you making prank calls AGAIN!! What did I tell you about that kind of behavior in my dojo!! – Ooops!! Gotta run!! Please don't tell Kaoru I called you ok? Bye! *BEEP*

*BEEP*Hello, Aoshi? This Kenshin again, that it is. Kaoru wanted me to call you and apologize for giving you that slash across your chest in our last fight. Kaoru *a smack is heard from the background* I mean, I would also like to give you some . . .ummm flowers to make you feel better, that I would. . . *BEEP*

*BEEP* I must have the wrong number, this isn't the Battousai's answering machine. Oh, well. I'll cut to the chase. I'm bored and I want to spar with someone. Call me back. Saitou.*BEEP*

*BEEP* So, Shinomori, have you decided whether you should join me or not? Hurry up with your answer, I'm starting to burn again. I'll be waiting. By the way, you don't happen to have any sun tan lotion? I seem to have run out. This is Shishio in case you haven't figured it out.   *BEEP*

*BEEP* Don't worry about anything, Leader. The Battousai gave that gun-crazy idiot a taste of his own medicine. But my mask got damaged in the process – you don't happen 

to have any of my make-up over there do you? This is Hanya, by the way.*BEEP*

*BEEP* AOSHI-SAMA!!! WHERE ARE YOU?! I saved the last bag of green tea for you!!!!!!!!^_^*BEEP*

*BEEP* This is Shiro and I don't think that eating raw animals is good for you. Maybe you should come home? I saved some dinner for you – well, all I could before Misao got to it . . .*BEEP*

*BEEP* Mr. Shinomori, this is your lawyer and I have totaled the costs of the damage to the Aoiya. When you get back, we can talk about suing that Shishio person. *BEEP*


	2. Sanosuke

**Author's Note:** Ok, ok I KNOW I said I would make one with Kenshin next . . .but I decided to make a Sano one instead because of a request. Unique-Starfish helped me with one of these. ^_^ Thanks Angi-Chan!!! Enjoy!!

**Disclaimers:** Feh, you all probably know by now . . .I don't own Rurouni Kenshin.

Chapter 2: Sanosuke

*BEEP* Hey this is Sano. I'm currently in a dumpster right now, searching for a fishbone because I broke my last one. I'm down to my last sake bottle . . .KATSU!!! If you're hearing this PLEASE LEND ME SOME MONEY!! I PROMISE I'LL PAY YOU BACK!!!! *BEEP*

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*BEEP* SANO!! I may be an artist but I can't keep giving you money like this! And stop chewing that damn fishbone – it ruins your teeth!! *BEEP*

*BEEP* Hn, ahou. This is Saitou and I'm calling on the behalf of the police station. I'm tired of having to keep dragging your sorry ass home because of your drunk escapades. So either lay off the sake or I'm dragging your sorry as to jail next time. *BEEP*

*BEEP* SANOSUKE!!!! This Kaoru!!! You haven't been home all day!!!! I need you to go to the Akabeko and getting me things!! And help Kenshin with the laundry!! *BEEP*

*BEEP* Sanosuke? This is Kenshin. I would be very grateful, that I would be, if you could come back to the dojo. *whispering* Miss Kaoru is rather scary when she's angry. *voice in the background* KENSHIN!! WHAT DID YOU SAY?! *Kenshin, still whispering* Oh, no!! Sano please come help me . . .please?*BEEP*

*BEEP*  Sanosuke, this is Tai. You've got quite a long bill from the Akabeko. I suggest you search for money other than taking it all away from that kind best friend of yours. By the way, it would be in your best interest to try to pay off the bill sometime in the near future. The interest rate I have on it is making the price go close to 1000 yen right now.*BEEP*

*BEEP* Hey rooster-head. This is Chou, otherwise known as the "broom-head". How about a re-match? *BEEP*

*BEEP* AOSH—Oh, Sano, is this your number? Ooops I must have misplaced a few numbers. This is Misao ^_^!! Have you seen Aoshi lately?? He went hunting yesterday and I haven't seen him since. . . *BEEP*

*BEEP* This is Dr. Gensai!! What a nice girlfriend you have!! I did not know you and Megumi were dating!! I wish you the best!!!*BEEP*

*BEEP* IDIOT!! This is Megumi! I'd appreciate if you'd come back from your dumpster and tell Dr. Gensai that we are NOT dating!! And why do I have your headband?! No wonder he thinks we're together!! _ *BEEP*

*BEEP* Oh, hi, I guess you're not Zanza the fighter for higher anymore are you? Oh, well. I thought I was going to offer you 1000 yen but I guess you don't need it . . . *BEEP*

*BEEP*  Ahou – this is Saitou again. Instead of putting you in jail I recorded you singing. Of course, if you don't want to entire police department (not to mention your friends),  laughing you out of Japan I suggest you call me back and we can arrange something. A suitable price perhaps? Of course, you could always be my punching 

bag . . .or my stress ball – whichever.*BEEP*

*BEEP*  This is the bar tender at the Tenrai Inn. I ask that you would please never come in here again! The customers are complaining about your singing.*BEEP*

*BEEP*  Ummmm Sano? This is Yahiko. I found a lot of disturbing things in your room. Why do you have lacey underwear. *Hands clasp to his mouth* ARE AND MEGUMI – I gotta tell Kaoru this!!!*BEEP*

*BEEP* Oh, Sano!! I'm so happy for you!! This is Kaoru. But you still have to come back to the dojo and help me with the work around here!!  *BEEP*

*BEEP* *sigh* Sano, this is Katsu. I have some extra cash. If you want it come and get it before I change my mind . . . *BEEP*

*BEEP* HI UNCLE SANOSUKE!!! This is Ayame and Sezume!! We are playing on Uncle Kenny's answering machine, that we are *giggling and laughing* See! We sound like Uncle Kenny, don't we!!! *BEEP*

*BEEP* *tears are welling up in his eyes* Sanosuke, I never knew you and Megumi were engaged!! I just found your ring on her drawers!! This is Dr. Gensai and I wish you THE BEST!!!* *BEEP*

*BEEP* Why do you have rings lying around, Sanosuke?! YOU MORON!!! Get back here . . .we need to "talk" – if you know what I mean!!! Call me back right away –this is Megumi!!! And why all of sudden does Kaoru and Yahiko think so now?! I have a feeling you had more to do with this than I imagined!!*BEEP*

*BEEP* Sanosuke, this is the last straw. I have your sake bar surrounded. Anything you do or say will be misquoted and used against you in court. *BEEP*

*BEEP* Sano, why must you get yourself in so much trouble? *sigh* This is Kenshin, that it is. Kaoru has given me some money to bail you out. By the way, Kaoru says it will be YOU who does the laundry for the next month. ^_^X  I couldn't do anything about that, that I couldn't. *BEEP*

**Thank you to all of my reviewers!!!**


	3. Kenshin

**Author's Note:** Hi!!! (Everyone else glares at her) Ok, ok I KNOW I've been away for a long time but things like these don't just pop in my head! Ok, sometimes they DO, but those happen on rare occasions. :) Anyway, I hope to finish this whole series pretty soon! As this one is done, I'm already working on my other one!! Next comes...Saitou!! Enjoy this overly long awaited chapter!! :)

**Disclaimers:** It shall be the year 2005 in about a month and I STILL do not own Rurouni Kenshin. :(

* * *

Chapter 3: Kenshin

BEEP Hello, this is Kenshin Himura. Please be so kind as to leave me a message and I shall get back to you as soon as I can, that I will. BEEP

* * *

BEEP Battousai. (glare) We will meet again. (Aoshi falls over from lack of food; a scream is heard in the background). BEEP

BEEP Kenshin, hi! You don't know how bad I need to talk to you! Everyone thinks that I like Megumi!! Help me!! They don't believe me when I say that I don't!! Call me back as soon as you can!! By the way. . . you don't happen to have any sake on you, do you? BEEP

BEEP Ah. Battousai. This is Shishio. I--(he catches on fire) DAMMIT. Hold that thought, I shall get back to you. BEEP

BEEP (Triple glare) Kenshin, how many times have I told you not to wash the lights and the darks together?! GRRR!! I'm going out shopping for new clothes now!!!BEEP

BEEP KENSHIN?! Dammit!! I need a doctor! Do you happen to know Dr. Gensai's phone number?!(a sniffle is heard) Aoshi collapsed!! WHAT A CRUEL WORLD WE LIVE IN!!!! This is Misao by the way . . .BEEP

BEEP Kenshin? Ok, I need to confess something to you. What I am about to say will shock and amaze you. Hold on to your tatami mat. I, Sanosuke Sagara, am in like with Megumi. Love is too strong a word. BEEP

BEEP Do you have a strawberry daifuku? Misao says I'm fat and that I need to loose weight. She won't even take me to the sweet shop anymore! If you have one, please drop it by the Aoiya under code O-K-I-N-A. I'd appreciate it.BEEP

BEEP You got the goods? I know you do. I shall meet you by the--(a whisper is heard in the background) WHAT?! You mean this isn't Koishin Hii-mura? DAMMIT!! Uhhh, heh, this is the, um, we're the telemarketers for . . .wasabi. Yes, we telemarket wasabi. We have a strange way of doing it, no? (nervous laugh) Erm call us back if you need erm wasabi. BEEP

BEEP Hi, this is the Kyoto chicken service, you ordered a total of three boxes and I expect you to pay for them. I believe you have a yellow jacket on and black hair. I'll track you down it you don't pay. BEEP

BEEP Kenshin! This is Yahiko!! Please help me, I kinda bought chicken from this place in your name and didn't pay. Ummm bail me out . . .please? BEEP

BEEP Kenshin? Alright, I confess. I'm in love with Megumi. I know because I've started writing her a love letter. (laughter is hear in the background) SHUT UP KATSU!!! It's not funny!! Ok, Kenshin, I'm trying to send a letter to Megumi, wooing her. How does it sound so far?

"Dear Megumi,

I am your greatest admirer. You were annoying once, but you grew on me as if you were a colony of E. coli and I was room-temperature Canadian beef. I enjoy hearing you laugh because you have a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. You move, you move like a . . .breeze. I can't get you out of my dreams. When you speak, I hear bells, as if you were a ship backing up into a dock.

From your Greatest admirer."

(A great thunder of laughter is heard before a 'thump' echoes) Obviously, Katsu can't handle my poetic spirit. BEEP

BEEP K-kenshin? Umm, I was wondering, could you help me with my poem? I'm writing one for Aoshi . . .(coughs) Well, here goes:

Your kodachis are sharp,

Green tea keeps you warm.

You have pierced my heart,

And I hope I don't fart.

Well, how did that sound? (a pause) I knew it, I should have put something about Sakura petals in there shouldn't I? BEEP

BEEP This is a warning. Get your damn rooster-headed friend out of the bar or I'm taking him to jail. By the way, could you spare a cigarette? BEEP

BEEP Ah, Kenshin. This is Katsu. I have the painting you requested. I made it out to Kaoru-dono as you asked. Maybe this will keep her from being mad at you. As for the money. (sighs) Could you please go contribute it to the "Help Sanosuke Fund"? It's a charity I've made to help my moron of a best friend to get out of his debt at the Akabeko. The charity's headquarters are right next to the Tenrai inn. Just say that "Purple Monkey from the Mountain" sent you. They'll know what to do with the money. Thanks. BEEP

BEEP Please relay a message to Sanosuke if you see him. Tell him, "You damn bastard! The next time you escape from jail, at least have the decency not to take my last cigarettes and sake!!!" Thank you. BEEP

BEEP Hello, Kenshin? This is Okina again. I managed to sneak some sweets past Misao. She's not such a tough nut after all!! Ahem, anyway, do you happen to have any Playboy magazines or any Maxims lying around? I'm sure you do from your 'naughty' Battousai days. (wink, wink) BEEP

BEEP You IDIOT!! Where are you when I need you?! This is your master, Hiko, and I need your help you twit! My sword 'fell' off of the waterfall. And NO, I wasn't drunk. (glares) Get back to me as soon as you can. I need someone else's eyes to help me search for it.BEEP

BEEP Hey Kenshin. Don't worry, I solved my sake-less problem. (grin) But I can't seem to write the perfect anonymous love letter to Megumi. Could you please call me back with some ideas? Katsu can't stop laughing to tell me any. BEEP

BEEP Keeennnnshiiiin. (hic) This is Hikooooo. I just ran away from an occiffer. Or was it officer? Oh, whatsowhatever. (a clang is heard as he drops something heavy on his foot) Lord Ichigoyshamkikjiyohiddo may you be cursed three times!!! pause Oh look, a pretty flower . . .BEEP

BEEP (glare) Battousai. Today of all days--(a screeching voice is heard from the background, "AOSHIII!!! Are you making intimidating messages to Kenshin, AGAIN?!!") Oh, no -- It's Misao. (turns around and glares at the answering machine) I shall get you another day, since not today, or yesterday . . .or even the day before that seemed to work out. I need to run from Misao now. BEEP

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Well?! What did you think? After such a long time away do you think I still have my humourous touch? I'd love to hear from you. Please be so kind as to leave a review.


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